Jess and Perle

Who gives this Woman away?
Jerry: Her Mother and I do.
Please be seated.


Friends, Family, uncooperative bulldogs.

I’d like to welcome you all to this most jubilant day.

A wonderful day, a remarkable day, and a day we’ve all been collectively waiting for, for quite some time.

However, regardless of the length and breadth of the path that has brought these two people to this one spot on this one day at this one moment, there is no doubt that this is the place where they belong, right here and right now, and that we are all glad that we are able to share this moment with them.

It is the first moment of many that will encompass a good life.

And Jess and Andrew thank you all for being here.



Though I myself am not what one would consider a seasoned or professional wedding officiant, part of the job, as I understand it, is to tease out from the bride and groom the story of how they came together, and to use that story as the theme of the proceedings.

Usually this is done thru the process of interviewing the bride and groom separately, asking them candid questions about their love and relationship, in the hopes that that impromptu confessional will unearth a glimmer of intimacy that reveals the source of a couple’s bond.

The spark of romance that transforms into the uncontrollable wildfire of love.

So, I asked Jess what she loved most about Andrew and she told me:

“I dunno Farrell. You’re the writer. Just… write something”

I would have asked her more after that but, quite frankly, I thought it might make her angry.

And as amazing a person that Jess is in every possible way… she’s scary when she’s angry, and that’s pretty much that.

I was tempted to ask the same question of Andrew, but I knew he’d probably say the same thing… and in general I make it a point not to test his patience if I can help it.

If there is one thing you can say about Jess and Andrew, it is that although their individual passions, hobbies, and vocations may lie on opposite ends of the spectrum, they share the unique ability to know what they want, when they want it, and that they both carry a mutual disdain for being annoyed.

So in that respect, they are perfect for one another.

Accordingly, here is the abridged and wholly academic secondhand version, of the saga of Jessica and Andrew.

  • Chapter 1. Boy meets girl.
  • Chapter 2. Boy kisses girl.
  • Chapter 3. Boy and Girl go steady for a longer period of time than the Beatles were a band.
  • Chapter 4. Boy and Girl’s business endeavors start to pay off.
  • Chapter 5. Boy and Girl make a sensible real estate purchase in the foothills of Palos Verdes
  • Chapter 6. Boy and Girl buy a bulldog that grows to the size of a small silverback gorilla.
  • Chapter 7. Boy and Girl buy income property in the heart of the Coachella valley desert
  • Chapter 8. Boy and Girl get married.
  • Chapter 9. Boy and Girl’s Gorilla sized bulldog becomes an Internet celebrity and subsequently gets his own reality television show.
  • Chapter 10. Celebrity Bulldog begins moonlighting as a masked vigilante, prowling the streets of South Torrance, making the city safe for Bulldogs everywhere… Boy and girl are totally cool with this.
  • Chapter 11. Boy, Girl, and now world famous crime-fighting Bulldog live happily ever after.

Turn to Jess: What? Don’t look at me like that, you said I could write whatever I want. And in my version of your future… Tank is now a handsome celebrity… who fights crime.

By virtue of Jessica and Andrew’s very private nature, they may be reluctant to share with others the depth of their love.

However, there is one undeniable truth that anyone who has known them for any length of time can see.

These two carry a strength of character, and a steady courage that is rare and dignified, and that they generously and selflessly nurture these values within one another.

Their love is apparent to all in the way they make one another better versions of themselves.


Andrew and Jessica. It is now time to confirm that it is indeed your intention to be married today. Please face each other and hold hands.

Jessica, Andrew, do you both come here freely and without reservation to give yourself to each other in marriage? If so, answer “we do.”

May I have the rings?

Andrew, and Jess. We are here with you to bear witness to the start of an amazing life. These rings are a symbol of your commitment to each other, and a bond that will forever tie you to one another.

(turn to Andrew)

Andrew, please place the ring on Jess’s finger and repeat after me….

I Andrew Perle

take thee Jessics Jordan

to be my wife

and I pledge my love to you forever.

With this ring, I thee wed.

(turn to Jess)

Jess, please place the ring on Andrew’s finger and repeat after me.

I Jessica Jordan

take thee Andrew Perle

to be my husband

and I pledge my love to you forever.

With this ring, I thee wed.

And so with the authority vested in me by the state of California, in the great county of San Luis Obispo and with great joy, I pronounce that you are now Husband and Wife.

Andrew, you may kiss your bride.

they kiss

Friends and family, It is my great honor to present to you, Mr and Mrs. Perle!